I got a txt message today that blew my mind right off the back of my head for the first time in a very long time. I know it seems childish or stupid, or even not worth mentioning for some of you out non-believers there, but before I say get anywhere else I gotta mention that my ex-ex-ex - and some more ex’s - girlfriend txt me today because she had a dream about me and she was wondering if im still ok and whatnot…and that out of nowhere and after almost maybe a year since our last conversation or so…
What makes it weird though was the fact that for about a week or more I kept having all these strange dreams about her and things that happened or didn’t happen or maybe only happened in my mind or only I dreamed about them happening…it is all a blur and it was nothing blurry about having those dreams until she txt me today coz she dreamed of me…and it all started to revolve around me slowly covering me in the deep mist of the eternal question WHY…
Since I read that txt I got thrown back into a world where I havent been in a long time for reasons not even I myself cant explain sometimes. Im thinking now of what I used to know as life and life around me and what it might represent today after I left with no farewells or looking back almost 3 years ago. And the truth is I realize more and more im not part of that world anymore and perhaps I have never been since I stopped thinking about it as reality and only see it now as a distant dream part happy part sad part loud part silent and contemplative…it made me sink back into those memories of the days I was happy to be sad and really sad to be happy when the sun was shining in the morning through the windows of the small room I lived in, when I was going out for a coffee in the med school “campus” bar …early spring with the air a bit cold at first but quickly warming up as sun was rising higher … sitting alone at a table near the window looking out hiding my eyes from the sun light while taking in the strong flavor of coffee mixed with the flavor of burned tobacco coming from the table behind me where two girls are chitchatting in a indistinctive low voice… streets are mostly empty since everyone was maybe in class already just a few passers by through life like myself going back and forth in the unknown everyone with their wishes hopes and dreams to go for…there are no more of those early mornings anymore, the air doesn’t smell the same and cold isn’t what I used to know it was…now im in a different time and space. But since I don’t intend to go about raveling im going to quit this and get back to what my real subject for today was…the weird dreams and the even weirder connection with the girl of my dreams…or better yet from my dreams…
As said for a week or so I dreamed about her every night in different scenarios and although those scenarios came to elude me completely by the time I woke up in the mornings I still had been left with that after feeling when something was missing and troubling. I knew I dreamed of her of talking to her and being together in environments and situations where we weren’t friends nor lovers but something different but all this time the only question in my mind for a second after dream and reality came apart was “would she be ok?”…I couldn’t understand why im dreaming of this after o’ so long a while since we broke apart and honestly I still don’t know today…however, waking up this morning with the same uncomfortable feeling as I always experience for a while now due to the inexplicable dreams about dreams that never came true in my life, today it was meant to take me a step further on the peaks of introspection depression and melancholic contemplation of the past along with her simple yet so troubling message…
Her txt triggered in me memories I thought forgotten, feelings I hoped I’d left behind when I exiled myself from that world where things weren’t meant to be for me and threw me deep into the dark arms of solitude just when I was adjusting and adapting to my new found life love and togetherness.
WHY?…why was I dreaming of her for a while now? why did she dream of me just last night? Why did she decide to txt me after all this time only because of some dream she had? Why am I feeling like I used to feel once upon a time, lonely, depressed, sad and melancholic, after all this time when I believed I moved to a new life? Why does it even trouble me so much?… and most importantly … why is there something missing so much it hurts but only as I’d miss a distant dream from a distant past in a place where I know for sure my heart left a piece of it forever?
Analyzing and comparing what I feel now in regards to my girl my life my friends my home here, with the ones I left behind one by one back there either by ignorance, selfishness, lack of experience or simply by making the right and wrong choices more or less at the right or wrong times, I feel my heart is buried deep in sorrow and remorse for what I lost and vibrating with joy for what I gained and I ask myself how can it be possible to hurt so much for something that was only a dream while being perfectly happy what I have now?
How can it be possible to fall asleep every night for the last 3 years with the feeling that every day im getting further and further away from my true self, from what I used to know, love and feel a part of and still wake up every morning happy to be where I am now delighted to be with whom I am with and fearless of a world that I chose to make it my own from scratch while feeling more and more comfortable and confident in my new found dimension?
Am I happy with who I am and what I’ve become now? was I happy with who I was and what I was before? All I know is deep inside something or somebody is missing along with a piece of my soul and is always gonna eat me slowly, step by step, like a wound that will never heal, like a scar that will never disappear while I walk through life as a wondering generality happy and in love, content with where the ship has taken me and wishing for nothing more than I have right now and … still … for anything less than my heart is unknowingly craving.
I am left speechless before the mystery of soul…
