There are only a few days left before Christmas holidays will engulf us all once more in a general atmosphere of love, generosity, humanitarianism and fun taking us for a day back into those ages where every single day was significant because it was another day spent with the loved ones on the face of this Earth...
For me Christmas was never about religions, saints or Santas, but about families being together, about the joy of waking up in the morning that special day with a flurry of sparkling lights and colors, Christmas carols, home-baked cookies and fresh pine scent surrounding you and making that day seem unreal, a sweet scented dream you dreamed of for an entire year that would last one single day...enough though to capture your dreams for an entire year again after. I remember we were having this dreamy sensation way before Christmas day was upon us back in the day, the minute school finished and we were out the school's gate knee-deep in snow racing who's gonna get home first and start preparing their backpacks to get to grandma's or pulling out Christmas decorations and laying them all over the house when the Christmas tree wasn't even in just yet...
I remember the night the tree was brought in covering the carpets in snow from its branches and spreading its scent allover the place, that fresh scent of pine that would last in my nostrils for weeks after Christmas was over already, spreading its mountain-like cold hidden within its branches and leaves, making you shiver in awe and pleasure since the moment was dragged in through the door sometimes till hours later after was already covered in Christmas decorations and lights seeming now even more majestic and sacred.
I remember all that Christmas fervor that seemed to surround everybody starting next day when they started running around making all the necessary preparations for the holidays ahead of us, cleaning and rearranging houses, baking and cooking all kinds of Christmas dishes and sweets in a twirling merry-go-round of aromas, smells and scents that would make your head spin your stomach twist and your imagination go wild and last but not least, sacrificing the pigs in that ritual that would keep us children stuck outside in the cold almost for an entire day forgetting our games and fun for as long as it lasted, watching the pigs getting roasted, cut and prepared for even further refining for our culinary joy and delight. It was all magic and special, all destined to stir and satisfy the candid imagination of children and adults alike in one single special day when everybody gathered together in a family who, for one day, was a family again...
And I remember Christmases years after we started growing up, after that magic world became thinner and thinner but still preserving its roots in our hearts and minds...
the Christmases when we could barely just wait to be with our best friends, with the girls we were in love with, when we could barely wait to get together put together what little money we were raising for this special occasion and start planning and preparing for what we believed it was the magic after the magic disappeared...
When we were trying to recreate that feeling in our hearts when we were children, this time besides those who became families for some of us like myself, my brother, my best friends - my brothers from other mothers, the girls i used to be in love or felt happy with, a different kind of family, a different kind of magic still rooted in my heart even today...
I remember spending those days with this family in which we were all equal, all brothers all essential parts of it, i remember how we couldn't feel the same fun and joy when one of us wasn't present or when the girl we had our hearts committed to was not around any longer for one reason or another. When we had to leave without somebody we cared about or when we had to stay behind when life wouldn't allow us to join them...Christmas was nothing without our family of friends!...The carnival of the childhood was now the roller coaster of teenage love and excitement, less magic and dreams, more love and desire to have fun with your close ones.
Yet years have passed us by and slowly Christmas' magic went away taking with it all the reasons for which life seemed happier and worth living...Today Christmas became just another day of my life, a Monday or a Wednesday, a 5th or a 25th, weekday or weekend, it all doesn't matter anymore...the magic is gone, the love and excitement is gone, the families are broken up and dissolved and nothing is left behind besides lonely people still trapped in their own past.
I am one of those people trapped in my own past, prisoner of my own love for what it used to mean the world to me...I dont want to change it and i will never agree to move on because life without all these things is not a life worth living...
Being trapped inside my head in my own world may be stupid for others but i chose to live like this instead of becoming this sore and indifferent little guy or girl u see all around u, going through life day by day like machines thinking in terms of 0 and 1, money and money, weighing, measuring and rationalizing every single second of their life and their actions and leaving out every single bit of that soul that once made us all children, made us all beings in love, living life surrounded by feelings no matter how hard or crappy it would have been and witnessing that magic and blessing of that Christmas day long gone from our hearts.
What is Christmas for YOU today?
Dec 16, 2007
Oct 31, 2007
Halloween?!
Im laying down in my room listening to the firecrackers going off outside...it is halloween night here...where im at now...as everywhere else where christianity set foot, as a matter of fact...the people have no fucking clue how to celebrate halloween really...firecrackers, drums, barbecues, lots of drinks and singing, shouting and senseless yapping about anything and everything, about anybody and everybody...the same exact way they celebrate christmas, easter and any other holiday.
I was supposed to be out tonight with a few people in some bars where they have parties with lots of half naked girls loads of booze and general fun but i decided i wont do it.if i think about it actually i havent been out in months except a couple of times when even watching shellfish die would have been more fun.going out doesnt do it for me anymore.drinking and partying doesnt do it for me anymore.my girlfriend doesnt do it for me anymore...hahaha i retract that...she still does it for me actually...and pretty awesome too just that i like bitching about it most of the times...anyway getting back to my stream of consciousness...lately life has become outrageously boring and everything seems to be overrated. for some reason i have become older...i guess it has something to do with the years passing and stuff...i really dont believe thats the real reason but the general viewpoint seems to be this one so i will just go along for now...there is something inside all of us that is triggered at a certain time for a certain reason that seems to elude us almost always and then we start getting older.
tonight is the night when everyone is wearing a mask, a costume and impersonates someone or something that somewhere deep down inside them identifies them for who they actually are in front of themselves. and they even do it in public...thats why tonight i chose to stay home. i could easily disguise myself in a wolf, vampire or speed-addict-view-after-2-yrs for example but i chose to stay home. if i look around people disguise themselves everyday they are only masks and shady figures of their hidden selves and real life as they call it is exactly a carefully directed play that goes on and on forever with some minor discrepancies as this "halloween"...as i see it we live in a halloween world every single day of our "real" lives and we dont even notice it...i have masks and shadows as friends and neighbors and life is just a theater play with no happy-ending.
Therefore tonight i chose to stay at home to enjoy the silence and darkness of an empty room instead of "putting a mask on" and celebrating this day of the dead, night of the living or whatever some dudes out there found appropriate to name and define this holiday, simply because it could be possibly one of the few moments when i can actually drop my own mask off put aside this dusty costume that i have worn all my life and lay down naked of all this shadows parade all of us put on every day all the time and just watch the light games beyond my window's frame, listen to the indistinct noises and the verve of it all from this box i chose to put myself into at least for a night when everybody else chose to go out exposing the masks behind the masks, the real shadows lying behind the shadows of their souls long gone.
Lights out boys and girls we are going on a night's trip into ourselves!
Dont be scared of what you are going to witness tonight nothing you see its real wahahaha!
I was supposed to be out tonight with a few people in some bars where they have parties with lots of half naked girls loads of booze and general fun but i decided i wont do it.if i think about it actually i havent been out in months except a couple of times when even watching shellfish die would have been more fun.going out doesnt do it for me anymore.drinking and partying doesnt do it for me anymore.my girlfriend doesnt do it for me anymore...hahaha i retract that...she still does it for me actually...and pretty awesome too just that i like bitching about it most of the times...anyway getting back to my stream of consciousness...lately life has become outrageously boring and everything seems to be overrated. for some reason i have become older...i guess it has something to do with the years passing and stuff...i really dont believe thats the real reason but the general viewpoint seems to be this one so i will just go along for now...there is something inside all of us that is triggered at a certain time for a certain reason that seems to elude us almost always and then we start getting older.
tonight is the night when everyone is wearing a mask, a costume and impersonates someone or something that somewhere deep down inside them identifies them for who they actually are in front of themselves. and they even do it in public...thats why tonight i chose to stay home. i could easily disguise myself in a wolf, vampire or speed-addict-view-after-2-yrs for example but i chose to stay home. if i look around people disguise themselves everyday they are only masks and shady figures of their hidden selves and real life as they call it is exactly a carefully directed play that goes on and on forever with some minor discrepancies as this "halloween"...as i see it we live in a halloween world every single day of our "real" lives and we dont even notice it...i have masks and shadows as friends and neighbors and life is just a theater play with no happy-ending.
Therefore tonight i chose to stay at home to enjoy the silence and darkness of an empty room instead of "putting a mask on" and celebrating this day of the dead, night of the living or whatever some dudes out there found appropriate to name and define this holiday, simply because it could be possibly one of the few moments when i can actually drop my own mask off put aside this dusty costume that i have worn all my life and lay down naked of all this shadows parade all of us put on every day all the time and just watch the light games beyond my window's frame, listen to the indistinct noises and the verve of it all from this box i chose to put myself into at least for a night when everybody else chose to go out exposing the masks behind the masks, the real shadows lying behind the shadows of their souls long gone.
Lights out boys and girls we are going on a night's trip into ourselves!
Dont be scared of what you are going to witness tonight nothing you see its real wahahaha!
Sep 15, 2007
How Breaking Up With "The Bundle Of Joy", "The Neverending Source Of Happiness And Pleasures", Can Be Damaging For Some People's Feelings And Moods
It is a week since I'm going downhill faster and faster without even having the slightest idea where I might end up. I broke up with "the one", "the second one", not more than a week ago and the history seems to repeat itself only that at a deeper, darker, more depressive level...i guess after years from the first "great expectation" it was only natural to be even worse the second time it happened. And what a great love story it was this one, a story of passion and love never encountered yet, a love so strong and unbeatable that lasted over time and space and brought together many ears in every corner of the world, listening while hearts were growing bigger and happier while the story was told by the old ones by the fire...for the eventual dummies gullible enough to believe that shit...
In fact this one was a story of lies, deceit and treachery, uglier than the ugliest story ever told...
And the story goes like this:
"Once upon a time...about 2 years ago...there was a small town somewhere on an island far far away. And this town was a place so dark and evil that even the bravest of men wouldn't dare go in...and stay more than a few weeks on holiday, drinking, doing drugs, fucking whores and exposing themselves to all kinds of nasty venereal diseases and not only...
And in this town of doom one day...or night,depending on the reader's timezone...set foot a young man, troubled and lost, running from a life that deprived him of all its goodness and happiness. The town welcomed him with a hot, wild embrace and a smoky, blurry look...mostly caused by the quantity of alcohol he consumed on the way there...but this look wasn't totally unfamiliar to the young hero. He wasn't easily scared as he grew up in a world full of perils and danger so he ventured open-hearted into the hot, evil jungle of that city ready to face the dangers lying ahead. And he had a tough fight for his life, money and mental sanity but successful and promising for the first year daring to hope in a bright, happy ending but an evil creature who almost killed him years before, the very reason of its life's falling into ruins, that evil creature was looking for him creeping in the darkest corners of that town...and besides that at every street's corner, in bars, in malls and anywhere else anyone can think of...planning ahead his inevitable demise.
*Note: all men do know, recognize and identify that evil creature, by its distinctively good smell, shiny, glowing, angelic appearance, sound and mannerisms and by its extraordinary ability to gain access to the brain's most wanted hormones -adrenaline, serotonine and endorphine- and totally screwing with them till men lose all control, cash and desire to live and/or experience other creatures, going by the name of "woman one falls in love with".
And one night when our young hero least expected it, the creature attacked and left its deepest bite in the hero's body...now, it would be simply impolite to discuss any further details referring to the ominous attack, however, we believe that almost anybody over the age of 14 could figure out the story so we leave this up to the reader's imagination, also a method of verifying and confirming the existence of totally brain dead individuals who surely will misinterpret that situation...
The second day and from then on, the hero started to change little by little without even noticing, while the poison slowly was taking over his sanity and health. He became strangely attracted and bedazzled by it, getting closer and closer to the creature and obsessively thinking about it all the time. Fights became harder and harder, and the hero started losing one by one slowly covering himself in scars, bruises and weakness...u see, this creature was totally subduing his will, his logic and his strength and using them to satisfying its own needs for life, while inducing in his brain a fake world designed to replace the cruel reality with a bright place called happiness...until he finally fell under its command completely forgetting even the very principles that guided him until then and ensured his survival.
This world painted by evil was beautiful, the kind of world from which no one would ever want to part with and the dreamy rewards given by evil were as beautiful and heart soothing as the world they were placed in and our hero blinded by those chemicals gave in and started living the lie while the creature was sucking the very living life force out of him...beside other things...
And she was so twisted, so deformed and deceiving that she almost corrupted his heart at that level where the hero almost had a baby with the creature, however, faith smiled upon him when with a strike of luck the creature "lost his baby"...but at that time the poison was so strong that the hero looked at that with the eyes of the madman...worlds collapsed for him, mountains crumbled, rivers bled and life seemed to an end. His heart grew darker and his soul bared now an even heavier burden. The creature continued its infestation with no regret or remorse just with more and more audacity.
The hero was totally addicted, subdued and lost and he didnt even know it...He tried to make up for the loss, he tried even harder after that and quickened his ruin...in other words, instead of seeing the truth, he believed the bitch...
And after one year and a half of continuous poisoning and destroying his life the creature decided to move away from him since his life resources were depleted almost completely...the worst thing about this creature is actually that it's not lethal and usually after it leaves, the affected idiot is left with a strong pain that could last from, at least a few months to, for some, probably the rest of their life...the hero was left to face reality again in the worst possible situation and all of a sudden his eyes opened again looking over the face of truth while his body, his soul and his mind were suffering dearly covered in scars and blood.
Still, even though he thought he was dying now for the second time, even though this time the pain and the scars were much heavier and deeper, he could find the strength to hope that maybe he will find a place under the sun where this creature wont find him and there he could live in peace the rest of his life treating his wounds.
But the poison wasnt gone from his body and mind and the pain was still there and the hero was still trapped in that world that never existed and although the hope was part of his heart, his pain would last a lifetime..."
*note: this story is a work in progress actually, therefore be advised that the hero said the same thing after the first time it happened, however, the situation changed briefly after the attack of the second evil creature. At present, he is treating his wounds made only by the second creature, the scars from the first one being now totally covered by the new ones ...
Any events, people, places and names depicted in this story are entirely real and accurate, the crew decided leave the truth unchanged in the hope of launching a message designed to stop these horrible attacks and bring a ray of light in the hearts of the afflicted worldwide.
Director's Notes:
The whole "love story" was in fact a fucking waste of time since the girl was a fucking insecure, undecided, lying, deceiving bitch who even if she had any love for me whatsoever, she failed miserably to show it in 99% of the situations. And while she always complained she isn't happy if we're not together, even after we ended it, she kept doing everything to ensure the lack of happiness and the final demise of the relationship, all that while blaming me and pretty much everyone else, but not herself, for all the "bad things" that happened.
I would like to thank her for all this time, for all the bullshit lies and little heart-fuck games she played for "losing" my baby while pregnant in 4 months and for fucking wasting my time and pissing me off with all the reasons and her modus operandi...THX BABE...BITCH!
In fact this one was a story of lies, deceit and treachery, uglier than the ugliest story ever told...
And the story goes like this:
"Once upon a time...about 2 years ago...there was a small town somewhere on an island far far away. And this town was a place so dark and evil that even the bravest of men wouldn't dare go in...and stay more than a few weeks on holiday, drinking, doing drugs, fucking whores and exposing themselves to all kinds of nasty venereal diseases and not only...
And in this town of doom one day...or night,depending on the reader's timezone...set foot a young man, troubled and lost, running from a life that deprived him of all its goodness and happiness. The town welcomed him with a hot, wild embrace and a smoky, blurry look...mostly caused by the quantity of alcohol he consumed on the way there...but this look wasn't totally unfamiliar to the young hero. He wasn't easily scared as he grew up in a world full of perils and danger so he ventured open-hearted into the hot, evil jungle of that city ready to face the dangers lying ahead. And he had a tough fight for his life, money and mental sanity but successful and promising for the first year daring to hope in a bright, happy ending but an evil creature who almost killed him years before, the very reason of its life's falling into ruins, that evil creature was looking for him creeping in the darkest corners of that town...and besides that at every street's corner, in bars, in malls and anywhere else anyone can think of...planning ahead his inevitable demise.
*Note: all men do know, recognize and identify that evil creature, by its distinctively good smell, shiny, glowing, angelic appearance, sound and mannerisms and by its extraordinary ability to gain access to the brain's most wanted hormones -adrenaline, serotonine and endorphine- and totally screwing with them till men lose all control, cash and desire to live and/or experience other creatures, going by the name of "woman one falls in love with".
And one night when our young hero least expected it, the creature attacked and left its deepest bite in the hero's body...now, it would be simply impolite to discuss any further details referring to the ominous attack, however, we believe that almost anybody over the age of 14 could figure out the story so we leave this up to the reader's imagination, also a method of verifying and confirming the existence of totally brain dead individuals who surely will misinterpret that situation...
The second day and from then on, the hero started to change little by little without even noticing, while the poison slowly was taking over his sanity and health. He became strangely attracted and bedazzled by it, getting closer and closer to the creature and obsessively thinking about it all the time. Fights became harder and harder, and the hero started losing one by one slowly covering himself in scars, bruises and weakness...u see, this creature was totally subduing his will, his logic and his strength and using them to satisfying its own needs for life, while inducing in his brain a fake world designed to replace the cruel reality with a bright place called happiness...until he finally fell under its command completely forgetting even the very principles that guided him until then and ensured his survival.
This world painted by evil was beautiful, the kind of world from which no one would ever want to part with and the dreamy rewards given by evil were as beautiful and heart soothing as the world they were placed in and our hero blinded by those chemicals gave in and started living the lie while the creature was sucking the very living life force out of him...beside other things...
And she was so twisted, so deformed and deceiving that she almost corrupted his heart at that level where the hero almost had a baby with the creature, however, faith smiled upon him when with a strike of luck the creature "lost his baby"...but at that time the poison was so strong that the hero looked at that with the eyes of the madman...worlds collapsed for him, mountains crumbled, rivers bled and life seemed to an end. His heart grew darker and his soul bared now an even heavier burden. The creature continued its infestation with no regret or remorse just with more and more audacity.
The hero was totally addicted, subdued and lost and he didnt even know it...He tried to make up for the loss, he tried even harder after that and quickened his ruin...in other words, instead of seeing the truth, he believed the bitch...
And after one year and a half of continuous poisoning and destroying his life the creature decided to move away from him since his life resources were depleted almost completely...the worst thing about this creature is actually that it's not lethal and usually after it leaves, the affected idiot is left with a strong pain that could last from, at least a few months to, for some, probably the rest of their life...the hero was left to face reality again in the worst possible situation and all of a sudden his eyes opened again looking over the face of truth while his body, his soul and his mind were suffering dearly covered in scars and blood.
Still, even though he thought he was dying now for the second time, even though this time the pain and the scars were much heavier and deeper, he could find the strength to hope that maybe he will find a place under the sun where this creature wont find him and there he could live in peace the rest of his life treating his wounds.
But the poison wasnt gone from his body and mind and the pain was still there and the hero was still trapped in that world that never existed and although the hope was part of his heart, his pain would last a lifetime..."
*note: this story is a work in progress actually, therefore be advised that the hero said the same thing after the first time it happened, however, the situation changed briefly after the attack of the second evil creature. At present, he is treating his wounds made only by the second creature, the scars from the first one being now totally covered by the new ones ...
Any events, people, places and names depicted in this story are entirely real and accurate, the crew decided leave the truth unchanged in the hope of launching a message designed to stop these horrible attacks and bring a ray of light in the hearts of the afflicted worldwide.
Director's Notes:
The whole "love story" was in fact a fucking waste of time since the girl was a fucking insecure, undecided, lying, deceiving bitch who even if she had any love for me whatsoever, she failed miserably to show it in 99% of the situations. And while she always complained she isn't happy if we're not together, even after we ended it, she kept doing everything to ensure the lack of happiness and the final demise of the relationship, all that while blaming me and pretty much everyone else, but not herself, for all the "bad things" that happened.
I would like to thank her for all this time, for all the bullshit lies and little heart-fuck games she played for "losing" my baby while pregnant in 4 months and for fucking wasting my time and pissing me off with all the reasons and her modus operandi...THX BABE...BITCH!
Jun 2, 2007
Domus dulcis domus
I got a txt message today that blew my mind right off the back of my head for the first time in a very long time. I know it seems childish or stupid, or even not worth mentioning for some of you out non-believers there, but before I say get anywhere else I gotta mention that my ex-ex-ex - and some more ex’s - girlfriend txt me today because she had a dream about me and she was wondering if im still ok and whatnot…and that out of nowhere and after almost maybe a year since our last conversation or so…
What makes it weird though was the fact that for about a week or more I kept having all these strange dreams about her and things that happened or didn’t happen or maybe only happened in my mind or only I dreamed about them happening…it is all a blur and it was nothing blurry about having those dreams until she txt me today coz she dreamed of me…and it all started to revolve around me slowly covering me in the deep mist of the eternal question WHY…
Since I read that txt I got thrown back into a world where I havent been in a long time for reasons not even I myself cant explain sometimes. Im thinking now of what I used to know as life and life around me and what it might represent today after I left with no farewells or looking back almost 3 years ago. And the truth is I realize more and more im not part of that world anymore and perhaps I have never been since I stopped thinking about it as reality and only see it now as a distant dream part happy part sad part loud part silent and contemplative…it made me sink back into those memories of the days I was happy to be sad and really sad to be happy when the sun was shining in the morning through the windows of the small room I lived in, when I was going out for a coffee in the med school “campus” bar …early spring with the air a bit cold at first but quickly warming up as sun was rising higher … sitting alone at a table near the window looking out hiding my eyes from the sun light while taking in the strong flavor of coffee mixed with the flavor of burned tobacco coming from the table behind me where two girls are chitchatting in a indistinctive low voice… streets are mostly empty since everyone was maybe in class already just a few passers by through life like myself going back and forth in the unknown everyone with their wishes hopes and dreams to go for…there are no more of those early mornings anymore, the air doesn’t smell the same and cold isn’t what I used to know it was…now im in a different time and space. But since I don’t intend to go about raveling im going to quit this and get back to what my real subject for today was…the weird dreams and the even weirder connection with the girl of my dreams…or better yet from my dreams…
As said for a week or so I dreamed about her every night in different scenarios and although those scenarios came to elude me completely by the time I woke up in the mornings I still had been left with that after feeling when something was missing and troubling. I knew I dreamed of her of talking to her and being together in environments and situations where we weren’t friends nor lovers but something different but all this time the only question in my mind for a second after dream and reality came apart was “would she be ok?”…I couldn’t understand why im dreaming of this after o’ so long a while since we broke apart and honestly I still don’t know today…however, waking up this morning with the same uncomfortable feeling as I always experience for a while now due to the inexplicable dreams about dreams that never came true in my life, today it was meant to take me a step further on the peaks of introspection depression and melancholic contemplation of the past along with her simple yet so troubling message…
Her txt triggered in me memories I thought forgotten, feelings I hoped I’d left behind when I exiled myself from that world where things weren’t meant to be for me and threw me deep into the dark arms of solitude just when I was adjusting and adapting to my new found life love and togetherness.
WHY?…why was I dreaming of her for a while now? why did she dream of me just last night? Why did she decide to txt me after all this time only because of some dream she had? Why am I feeling like I used to feel once upon a time, lonely, depressed, sad and melancholic, after all this time when I believed I moved to a new life? Why does it even trouble me so much?… and most importantly … why is there something missing so much it hurts but only as I’d miss a distant dream from a distant past in a place where I know for sure my heart left a piece of it forever?
Analyzing and comparing what I feel now in regards to my girl my life my friends my home here, with the ones I left behind one by one back there either by ignorance, selfishness, lack of experience or simply by making the right and wrong choices more or less at the right or wrong times, I feel my heart is buried deep in sorrow and remorse for what I lost and vibrating with joy for what I gained and I ask myself how can it be possible to hurt so much for something that was only a dream while being perfectly happy what I have now?
How can it be possible to fall asleep every night for the last 3 years with the feeling that every day im getting further and further away from my true self, from what I used to know, love and feel a part of and still wake up every morning happy to be where I am now delighted to be with whom I am with and fearless of a world that I chose to make it my own from scratch while feeling more and more comfortable and confident in my new found dimension?
Am I happy with who I am and what I’ve become now? was I happy with who I was and what I was before? All I know is deep inside something or somebody is missing along with a piece of my soul and is always gonna eat me slowly, step by step, like a wound that will never heal, like a scar that will never disappear while I walk through life as a wondering generality happy and in love, content with where the ship has taken me and wishing for nothing more than I have right now and … still … for anything less than my heart is unknowingly craving.
I am left speechless before the mystery of soul…
What makes it weird though was the fact that for about a week or more I kept having all these strange dreams about her and things that happened or didn’t happen or maybe only happened in my mind or only I dreamed about them happening…it is all a blur and it was nothing blurry about having those dreams until she txt me today coz she dreamed of me…and it all started to revolve around me slowly covering me in the deep mist of the eternal question WHY…
Since I read that txt I got thrown back into a world where I havent been in a long time for reasons not even I myself cant explain sometimes. Im thinking now of what I used to know as life and life around me and what it might represent today after I left with no farewells or looking back almost 3 years ago. And the truth is I realize more and more im not part of that world anymore and perhaps I have never been since I stopped thinking about it as reality and only see it now as a distant dream part happy part sad part loud part silent and contemplative…it made me sink back into those memories of the days I was happy to be sad and really sad to be happy when the sun was shining in the morning through the windows of the small room I lived in, when I was going out for a coffee in the med school “campus” bar …early spring with the air a bit cold at first but quickly warming up as sun was rising higher … sitting alone at a table near the window looking out hiding my eyes from the sun light while taking in the strong flavor of coffee mixed with the flavor of burned tobacco coming from the table behind me where two girls are chitchatting in a indistinctive low voice… streets are mostly empty since everyone was maybe in class already just a few passers by through life like myself going back and forth in the unknown everyone with their wishes hopes and dreams to go for…there are no more of those early mornings anymore, the air doesn’t smell the same and cold isn’t what I used to know it was…now im in a different time and space. But since I don’t intend to go about raveling im going to quit this and get back to what my real subject for today was…the weird dreams and the even weirder connection with the girl of my dreams…or better yet from my dreams…
As said for a week or so I dreamed about her every night in different scenarios and although those scenarios came to elude me completely by the time I woke up in the mornings I still had been left with that after feeling when something was missing and troubling. I knew I dreamed of her of talking to her and being together in environments and situations where we weren’t friends nor lovers but something different but all this time the only question in my mind for a second after dream and reality came apart was “would she be ok?”…I couldn’t understand why im dreaming of this after o’ so long a while since we broke apart and honestly I still don’t know today…however, waking up this morning with the same uncomfortable feeling as I always experience for a while now due to the inexplicable dreams about dreams that never came true in my life, today it was meant to take me a step further on the peaks of introspection depression and melancholic contemplation of the past along with her simple yet so troubling message…
Her txt triggered in me memories I thought forgotten, feelings I hoped I’d left behind when I exiled myself from that world where things weren’t meant to be for me and threw me deep into the dark arms of solitude just when I was adjusting and adapting to my new found life love and togetherness.
WHY?…why was I dreaming of her for a while now? why did she dream of me just last night? Why did she decide to txt me after all this time only because of some dream she had? Why am I feeling like I used to feel once upon a time, lonely, depressed, sad and melancholic, after all this time when I believed I moved to a new life? Why does it even trouble me so much?… and most importantly … why is there something missing so much it hurts but only as I’d miss a distant dream from a distant past in a place where I know for sure my heart left a piece of it forever?
Analyzing and comparing what I feel now in regards to my girl my life my friends my home here, with the ones I left behind one by one back there either by ignorance, selfishness, lack of experience or simply by making the right and wrong choices more or less at the right or wrong times, I feel my heart is buried deep in sorrow and remorse for what I lost and vibrating with joy for what I gained and I ask myself how can it be possible to hurt so much for something that was only a dream while being perfectly happy what I have now?
How can it be possible to fall asleep every night for the last 3 years with the feeling that every day im getting further and further away from my true self, from what I used to know, love and feel a part of and still wake up every morning happy to be where I am now delighted to be with whom I am with and fearless of a world that I chose to make it my own from scratch while feeling more and more comfortable and confident in my new found dimension?
Am I happy with who I am and what I’ve become now? was I happy with who I was and what I was before? All I know is deep inside something or somebody is missing along with a piece of my soul and is always gonna eat me slowly, step by step, like a wound that will never heal, like a scar that will never disappear while I walk through life as a wondering generality happy and in love, content with where the ship has taken me and wishing for nothing more than I have right now and … still … for anything less than my heart is unknowingly craving.
I am left speechless before the mystery of soul…
Feb 14, 2007
Valentine's Day...what a bunch of crap!
valentine's day...im thinking today man have to prove women one more time how much they love them and they are willing to spend for them while women lie fuck around and have a fucking attitude all the time...yeah yeah for those out there who believe women are doing the same as us during today let me tell u something...bullshit! they do nothing besides taking a shower and spending 5 hours in the mirror "trying to look good for u on this special occasion"...like we dont take showers and put on deodorant and shit like that...and not only today but pretty much every day since it is called basic body hygiene...what else does a woman usually do today?cooking a nice dinner?putting on a nice dress after having a shower and spending half a day admiring herself in the mirror?giving u the best sex night of your entire year?...damn man are such retards sometimes...they should do that every god damn day because thats all they do anyway...i didnt have girlfriends before giving me 5000 dollar watches or some piece of expensive jewllery not even flowers and chocolate bonbons for fuck's sake!...all they did was "looking their best just for me today!"...what the fuck are u doing the rest of the year my love?...this is the only question that comes to my mind when the universal line drops...the rest of the year u are doing your best to look your worst for me and to give me hell like there's no tomorrow?...well then, no wonder i come home drunk all the time i dont enjoy havin sex with u anymore and i call your momma an old cunt...coz i see u acting exactly like ur dad tells me his wife is acting all the time hahaha...but V's Day is the day when every woman gives her best to make their man happy...and we gotta give it to them some of them make such a good job out of it that have us fooled in tagging along for another entire year puttin up with their bullshit lies and excuses with their shitty attitude and moods and last but not least with that constant nagging that makes men have a shorter life expectancy than women since the beggining of time...u guys know what im talking about...even those who would read this by now while their wives are looking over their shoulder and slap them for laughing or nodding affirmatively...i mean men didnt get killed by the multitude of armed conflicts since the beginning of time but much rather by the constant nagging of the woman at home who made them pick up their bows and arrows axes forks etc etc and to go out looking for somebody to relieve their frustrations...men took the risk of being lethaly wounded, bleeding to death, having arms and legs chopped off and hanging all over the battle field during a war, they took that risk as a much easier alternative than staying at home listening to the constant BUZZ coming out of their women...if we look throughout history we will surely observe though that on the 14th of february the conflicts among men suddenly stop...on the 14th of february all men allover the world come to this truce or armistice for about a day or so...because their women are looking their best today only for them, they cook their best meal of the year, they put on the best dress and they give them the best sex...and men will do anything just to have this day...anything...i would ask though...why only on the 14th of feb u girls would do this ONLY FOR US?...i mean the rest of the year u just go ahead and give it to anybody while we are out chopping our limbs off, spilling our guts allover the place trying to make a living?...I heard a woman the other day making another self explanatory statement..."it is a woman thing!...u guys cant understand that!"...so in other words it is a woman thing to give their men hell 364-365 days a year for the price of a sole heavenly day on the 14th of february?...the woman who came up with this brilliant idea really was a genius if u ask me...most probably there was some sort of a secret feminist council some 50000 years ago when women suddenly decided to apply this strategy on their husbands for some reason...i mean just staying home cleaning around the cave and all that wasnt enough entertainment for a woman and they were getting really bored since there were no soap opera channels back then either so they decided to create their own...their husbands were coming home from hunting really tired sometimes injured and bruised carrying all the necessary things to ensure the survival of their families and women were waiting for them in front of the cage..."so where have u been till now u no good lazy cheating bastard huh? i bet u are hanging out at those degenerate unarticulate monkey whores' place again huh? what's wrong with u? i give u everything my hairless body my heart i wash ur mammoth jacket all the time i take care of your kids i clean this god damn cave while you arent even able to find me a bigger one with a back yard like the neighbors across the valley have and you are going to those monkeys all the time u shameless bastard how can u do that after i ruined my life being with u...(starts sobbing)...my mooma told me you're no good ... oh my, how stupid i was for letting u fool me (starts crying like crazy)..."
"but hunny, i was out hunting...i mmmean...i was...really...look i got the mammoth meat right here...and...i got really badly wounded my arm is broken i can barely feel my left leg...i got one ear missing...b-b-but ohhhhh i got a little present for u... it almost got me killed but i love u and i wanted to do it...i got u a new coat also...see?...that white one u liked so much from the polar bear's rear side...see?"
"oh really?...(stops crying for a second, her eyes start sparkling with curiosity and interest)...let me see...oh this is so nice...and how soft it is...ohhhh...but...hold on a sec...what is this?...this is not polar bear u lying bastard this is only a white wolf pelt (starts crying again even worse)...get out of here u lying neanderthal...(thinking for herself) thats it im gonna make ur life hell i got this new idea and im gonna share it with all my sistas in our secret meeting after u mongoloids leave again...thats it u better be home that day of the year when im willing to do some stuff for u mother fucker or else is just gonna be hell all year 'round...white wolf pelt my ass...is this how much u show me u love me?...i dont care u almost got killed...it would have been better if u did u no good lazy caveman...i'll show white wolf pelt...im only gonna wear this along with the other zebra thong u gave me last month only on lets say...hmmmm...14th day of february and then its up to u if u gonna be here or else im just gonna do it for the neighbor like i always do anyway when ur hunting hahaha"(starts chuckling evilishly)
the man is getting closer and closer to the point where he will club her down like the first day they met and fell in love with each other but this time not for the same reason... however, instead of letting the urge follow through he goes out trying to save what he believes is a life's hard work and goes away picking a fight with some other unfortunate bastard...
"no wonder i spend all my time at those monkeys' place... they are horny all the time and cant talk either...and they are always happy with a few bananas!..."
Happy Valentine's Day everybody!
"but hunny, i was out hunting...i mmmean...i was...really...look i got the mammoth meat right here...and...i got really badly wounded my arm is broken i can barely feel my left leg...i got one ear missing...b-b-but ohhhhh i got a little present for u... it almost got me killed but i love u and i wanted to do it...i got u a new coat also...see?...that white one u liked so much from the polar bear's rear side...see?"
"oh really?...(stops crying for a second, her eyes start sparkling with curiosity and interest)...let me see...oh this is so nice...and how soft it is...ohhhh...but...hold on a sec...what is this?...this is not polar bear u lying bastard this is only a white wolf pelt (starts crying again even worse)...get out of here u lying neanderthal...(thinking for herself) thats it im gonna make ur life hell i got this new idea and im gonna share it with all my sistas in our secret meeting after u mongoloids leave again...thats it u better be home that day of the year when im willing to do some stuff for u mother fucker or else is just gonna be hell all year 'round...white wolf pelt my ass...is this how much u show me u love me?...i dont care u almost got killed...it would have been better if u did u no good lazy caveman...i'll show white wolf pelt...im only gonna wear this along with the other zebra thong u gave me last month only on lets say...hmmmm...14th day of february and then its up to u if u gonna be here or else im just gonna do it for the neighbor like i always do anyway when ur hunting hahaha"(starts chuckling evilishly)
the man is getting closer and closer to the point where he will club her down like the first day they met and fell in love with each other but this time not for the same reason... however, instead of letting the urge follow through he goes out trying to save what he believes is a life's hard work and goes away picking a fight with some other unfortunate bastard...
"no wonder i spend all my time at those monkeys' place... they are horny all the time and cant talk either...and they are always happy with a few bananas!..."
Happy Valentine's Day everybody!
Feb 8, 2007
im back i couldnt stay away from this...THIS STUFF IS ADDICTIVE!...once u get a hold of it that is! and anyway if u dont have things to put in here it is utterly useless...but it became the diary of the new generation...the future way of letting people know stuff about you inner workings and conflicts although diaries are supposed to be kept private...but i reckon everyone of us is crying for attention at times so what better way of drawing attention on yourself than having an online blog where anyone can see what freaky shit goes on in your head when you are too high on weed or to hyped up on speed and you cant sleep...i dont even wanna mention other stuff because some people might believe im doing drugs...and btw IM NOT DOING DRUGS...much...or more than others...ok i tried, TRIEEEED, like each and every one of us did once, although they swear on the bible with the wrong hand they didnt...not because they would be retarded or autistic but merely because they were too high on something at that time...and who didnt use drugs for one purpose or another regardless of their nature or country of provenience, of their effect and their status legal or illicit, pharmaceutical or designer drugs etc etc etc...WE ALL DOoooo IiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiT! BUT WE ARE A BUNCH OF HyPOCRITS!
anyway it wasnt exactly the subject i had in mind afterall i was trying to come across and initiate new interhuman connections that would reach beyond the barriers of time space and server limits...if only i could remember what my idea was before i got trapped in this little speech...
aaa right! i was saying that this method of posting on a blog seems to me the next level in the treatment of the people who need ... or believe they need... to see a psychologist.
yes thats right it can replace a boring guy with glasses and an uncomfortable leather sofa while having the same effects and for a considerably smaller price...yup! lets think about it a little...having the time to actually get in touch with yourself...not to touch yourself...U ALL DO THAT IT U HYPOCRITS... admit it!!!...but to get in touch with yourself...allows u to get to know yourself more and realize u have issues of some sort...and thats the first step...admitting we have issues and identifying them...next step is slowly but surely dealing with those issues and finding the answer to the questions u never knew u had asked yourself till then...some wise guy once said that instead of looking in the outer space for knowledge maybe we should start looking from within...maybe not literally like this...or maybe it wasnt even a wise guy...or any guy at all...who came up with this line...but it seems to be describing pretty accurately what a bunch of ignorant bastards we are as a race...and once u started answering your own questions maybe then your entire perspective on an issue will be put in a new light or be given the privilege of a solution without calling in "professional help" ... and even more than only that people do read these things...some of them with a morbid curiosity even :)...and can express their opinions on whatever shit u put down giving u even more insight into the core of your problems...it is a win win situation if u ask me...then again if u ask me a lot of things would be different about the world...for example i would legalize drugs all of them with no exception not because i would use those or because of some other considerations but simply to see how many suckers die in the first year due to drug abuse...we would get rid of a lot useless dickheads i'll tell u that right now!
besides that governments will stop chasing ghosts and win elections based on some ficticious drug busts that dont cover 5% of the world drug traffic anyway and make way for some others that might have better ideas or at least worse so we could see both sides of the page...yeah why not in the end?
humanity is self distructive since the dawn of civilization so one way or another we will all end up in killing eachother openly or covertly so why not approach this all life and death concept more lightly then? it's not like somebody escaped from dying and lived happily everafter...i mean maybe the first time but then they lived happily till they died again...and this time with no return ticket on that flight outta here!...instead of being preocupied with some crappy shit like this maybe we should consider turning to more important subjects than life and death...our life and death btw... maybe we should think about enjoying what we have for as long as we have it without thinking about what's gonna happen next because tomorrow isnt ours we all live today and today only...and once we start thinking about that we see new horizons opening in front of our red-from alcohol and lack of sleep-eyes and we can reach further in the search for our inner persona...instead of striving to be what society makes of us all our lives what other people like to see in us maybe we should just kick back sit down and follow nature's course do what we wanna do and stop paying attention to what others believe life is for us...and im not implying becoming a bunch of lazy bastards whose only puropse in life is to sleep in the sun and eat nature's goods but rather free ourselves from all these chains that society strapped us down with and be free ... but this is such a hard thing to accomplish isnt it?...
anyway it wasnt exactly the subject i had in mind afterall i was trying to come across and initiate new interhuman connections that would reach beyond the barriers of time space and server limits...if only i could remember what my idea was before i got trapped in this little speech...
aaa right! i was saying that this method of posting on a blog seems to me the next level in the treatment of the people who need ... or believe they need... to see a psychologist.
yes thats right it can replace a boring guy with glasses and an uncomfortable leather sofa while having the same effects and for a considerably smaller price...yup! lets think about it a little...having the time to actually get in touch with yourself...not to touch yourself...U ALL DO THAT IT U HYPOCRITS... admit it!!!...but to get in touch with yourself...allows u to get to know yourself more and realize u have issues of some sort...and thats the first step...admitting we have issues and identifying them...next step is slowly but surely dealing with those issues and finding the answer to the questions u never knew u had asked yourself till then...some wise guy once said that instead of looking in the outer space for knowledge maybe we should start looking from within...maybe not literally like this...or maybe it wasnt even a wise guy...or any guy at all...who came up with this line...but it seems to be describing pretty accurately what a bunch of ignorant bastards we are as a race...and once u started answering your own questions maybe then your entire perspective on an issue will be put in a new light or be given the privilege of a solution without calling in "professional help" ... and even more than only that people do read these things...some of them with a morbid curiosity even :)...and can express their opinions on whatever shit u put down giving u even more insight into the core of your problems...it is a win win situation if u ask me...then again if u ask me a lot of things would be different about the world...for example i would legalize drugs all of them with no exception not because i would use those or because of some other considerations but simply to see how many suckers die in the first year due to drug abuse...we would get rid of a lot useless dickheads i'll tell u that right now!
besides that governments will stop chasing ghosts and win elections based on some ficticious drug busts that dont cover 5% of the world drug traffic anyway and make way for some others that might have better ideas or at least worse so we could see both sides of the page...yeah why not in the end?
humanity is self distructive since the dawn of civilization so one way or another we will all end up in killing eachother openly or covertly so why not approach this all life and death concept more lightly then? it's not like somebody escaped from dying and lived happily everafter...i mean maybe the first time but then they lived happily till they died again...and this time with no return ticket on that flight outta here!...instead of being preocupied with some crappy shit like this maybe we should consider turning to more important subjects than life and death...our life and death btw... maybe we should think about enjoying what we have for as long as we have it without thinking about what's gonna happen next because tomorrow isnt ours we all live today and today only...and once we start thinking about that we see new horizons opening in front of our red-from alcohol and lack of sleep-eyes and we can reach further in the search for our inner persona...instead of striving to be what society makes of us all our lives what other people like to see in us maybe we should just kick back sit down and follow nature's course do what we wanna do and stop paying attention to what others believe life is for us...and im not implying becoming a bunch of lazy bastards whose only puropse in life is to sleep in the sun and eat nature's goods but rather free ourselves from all these chains that society strapped us down with and be free ... but this is such a hard thing to accomplish isnt it?...
just getting started
damn it took me a while to start using this although more and more people do it on a regualr basis already...i was thinking about some of my friends back home whom i havent seen or even talked to in years and it is so fucking hard to just keep in touch with everybody especially if sometimes i find hard enough to keep in touch with myself or even the reality around me.just a few days ago i was thinking whats going on back home generally speaking since i left for almost 2 years now and so many things must have happened in the meantime i should be overwhelmed just by going through the news from the last 6 months not mentioning even older ones...damn the world changes and sometimes u dont even give a shit until u realize it is a completely different one when u wake up from an alcohol or drugs induced slumber after months and months of abusing youself and everybody else around you, after floating in between worlds you didnt even know they existed but they seemed so awkwardly familiar and relaxing that u wouldnt even wanna go back again...reality sucks bigtime isnt it? hmmm...anyway, as i was saying i was startled to find out that people and metalities can change so drastically so quickly especially when the mirage of a better world lies always ahead of us..."the americans will save us" this was the one back in the age of communism, "liberty and democracy will make us better people", this one was the one during the transitional period of a Romania crippled and torn apart by years of abuse and corrpution, now "the EU is our savior" is the lastest mirage we are confronted with and by far maybe the best looking one of all...therefore with Romania joining the EU romanians started to change attitudes mentalities points of view perspectives on life, society,education, well, pretty much everything in this neverending battle to comply to a new system and a new form of brainwashing...which is good if im just thinking about how they are going to get to believe this is better than what we had before...it is always better isnt it? until its ineficiency is proven and everybody is already trapped in the system brainwashed and ready to be oiled as all the other small wheels that make all this system revolve around the natural order of things...but enough of that since i wasnt keen on expressing my political views around here since nobody would give a damn about it anyway and more than that there will always be some "righteous" chosen one who will find it fit to criticize my opinion for some reason or another...
as i was saying i was checking out the news and these are only a few titles that lured my attention and wasted my time in the process of disecating and trying to find some logic in them...check these out:
1. the moving of flocks became illegal after Romania joined the EU earlier on this january
what the fuck is that?
i mean shepherds are moving their flocks periodically for more or less 2000 years back home and now the Eu decided sheep arent allowed to travel anymore...if anyone can believe this shit! i mean it is totally puzzling where exactly this idea generated and who exactly was the genius who thought "oh, moving flocks is very very bad for the progress of the romanian economy so sheep are grounded!...the shepherds have to report to some lab nerds now from the health department exactly what their intinerary is and wait for the approval before going anywhere. it's like these guys are gonna take field trips for each and every flock before they approve the moving and decide if that grass is edible or if that water is potable...i mean how would they even know what a sheep thinks about it anyway...maybe they just think "ooo it's the wavy green thingy again...i missed it so much during the white cold thingy season...it's green it's a lot i'll eat it!" or "oh look at the sparkly thing flowing down the road...i feel all tingly in the throat now...I ...MUST...DRINK...IT!" maybe these distinguished gentlemen are afraid or concerned that sheep will catch some cold if they're taken too high up in the mountains or they will get to suffer from decompression sickness if they're taken way under the sea level for some reason...can you imagine how many barometric chambers we would need after?...
and now after who knows how many nights of deep thinking they decided sheep must be dealt with since they pose such a threat to the entire romanian economic system escalating further if we sit and think about what must have been in those so busy little brains lately...people are stupid but these people are keen in making it public too.
besides the fact that sheep have been awarded restraining orders for their centuries of contribution to the nation's well being now the shepherds arent allowed to sell their products outside their area of operations...in other words shepherds from the plains wo will be caught trying to smuggle cheese and wool into the mountain area and viceversa will be severely punished...i mean other countries concern themselves with organized crime cartels, drugs, serial killers, terrorists and others as such and we are dealing with a whole range of extremely dangerous shepherds and their infamous flocks of sheep...new laws will be given, the white scourge of smelly leaking cheese being illegally trafficked north to south and east to west all over the romanian countryside will soon replace all the other "minor" "white" drugs, if we can even call them that since not all of them are actually white but only a few, will be soon forgotten while the romanian society will face the danger of this new antichrist...fuck people are stupid! i was going to list a few other titles from the romanian news-for-retards but i got pissed off already...maybe i will do it later on or even drop the subject since it seems to be resembling a lot to Don Quijote's fight with the wind mills...yeah fuck it!gotta go! later dudes...and dudesses!:)
as i was saying i was checking out the news and these are only a few titles that lured my attention and wasted my time in the process of disecating and trying to find some logic in them...check these out:
1. the moving of flocks became illegal after Romania joined the EU earlier on this january
what the fuck is that?
i mean shepherds are moving their flocks periodically for more or less 2000 years back home and now the Eu decided sheep arent allowed to travel anymore...if anyone can believe this shit! i mean it is totally puzzling where exactly this idea generated and who exactly was the genius who thought "oh, moving flocks is very very bad for the progress of the romanian economy so sheep are grounded!...the shepherds have to report to some lab nerds now from the health department exactly what their intinerary is and wait for the approval before going anywhere. it's like these guys are gonna take field trips for each and every flock before they approve the moving and decide if that grass is edible or if that water is potable...i mean how would they even know what a sheep thinks about it anyway...maybe they just think "ooo it's the wavy green thingy again...i missed it so much during the white cold thingy season...it's green it's a lot i'll eat it!" or "oh look at the sparkly thing flowing down the road...i feel all tingly in the throat now...I ...MUST...DRINK...IT!" maybe these distinguished gentlemen are afraid or concerned that sheep will catch some cold if they're taken too high up in the mountains or they will get to suffer from decompression sickness if they're taken way under the sea level for some reason...can you imagine how many barometric chambers we would need after?...
and now after who knows how many nights of deep thinking they decided sheep must be dealt with since they pose such a threat to the entire romanian economic system escalating further if we sit and think about what must have been in those so busy little brains lately...people are stupid but these people are keen in making it public too.
besides the fact that sheep have been awarded restraining orders for their centuries of contribution to the nation's well being now the shepherds arent allowed to sell their products outside their area of operations...in other words shepherds from the plains wo will be caught trying to smuggle cheese and wool into the mountain area and viceversa will be severely punished...i mean other countries concern themselves with organized crime cartels, drugs, serial killers, terrorists and others as such and we are dealing with a whole range of extremely dangerous shepherds and their infamous flocks of sheep...new laws will be given, the white scourge of smelly leaking cheese being illegally trafficked north to south and east to west all over the romanian countryside will soon replace all the other "minor" "white" drugs, if we can even call them that since not all of them are actually white but only a few, will be soon forgotten while the romanian society will face the danger of this new antichrist...fuck people are stupid! i was going to list a few other titles from the romanian news-for-retards but i got pissed off already...maybe i will do it later on or even drop the subject since it seems to be resembling a lot to Don Quijote's fight with the wind mills...yeah fuck it!gotta go! later dudes...and dudesses!:)
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